Just Breathe

"Just Breath."

It has been become my mantra over the last couple weeks as our new reality has begun to set in.

On the outside, I am the tough fighting mama. Prepared to tackle everything head on. Ready to advocate for my daughter in a single bound.

On the inside, I am a mess of anxiety. What does her diagnosis mean? What is her prognosis? How much more do we have to learn? What kind of life will Mackenzie have? How do I make sure my 7 year old son feels engaged and a part of everything? How do I balance my full-time plus job in addition to the growing number of medical appointments?

HOW HOW HOW?

That tough exterior is quickly crumbling and bumbling through is all I can do most days to hold it together. Why am I so afraid to tell people that I am scared? Scared of the unknown. Scared of not being everything to everyone. Scared of something falling through the cracks. I feel these moments of panic more often than not lately. So here it is: I'M SCARED. Terrified really.

Over the weekend, I passed up the opportunity to run in the TC 10 Mile. I'm fully disappointed in myself for not pushing through my mental block to do this race. I woke up on Sunday morning at 5am to get ready to go. I made it down to the kitchen for breakfast - I even got my shoes on. My mind took over - I'm exhausted. I'm depressed. My hip hurts. I haven't been training. Excuse after excuse in my brain brought me right back to bed where I slept hard for the next 2 hours. A feat unknown to me in my mommy era.

However, this day was not a total loss - we went to church where Mackenzie in all of her cuteness cheered after every song that was sung and of course we got our traditional donuts afterwards. I took Jackson to see a movie and then to the Halloween store. We came home to his friends waiting for him to play and me with some quality time with Drew, Mackenzie and our neighbor to watch our Vikings lose an oh-so-close game. It was a good day.

Despite all the goodness of the day, I can't help but think that I let myself down a little by not running the race. It's not like me to give up so easily. To let my head get the best of me. It's so important that in light of everything that has happened with Mackenzie that I don't lose myself in all of it. That running can still be my thing. That having a thing is still okay even though my family needs my full attention. That having a thing might be the only thing that gets me through this.

The movie Jackson and I saw was Hotel Transylvania 2 and even though he doesn't care as much for animated movies as much as he used to (and seriously... when was 7 too old for animation???), I still really loved the sentiment of the movie Hotel Transylvania 2: Differences don't matter - love is love.

"Human, vampire, unicorn as long as you're happy."